History – part 1

A wise person said to me once, “life is too short not to be constantly searching for the truth” and I would like to add, “and once you find the truth, life is too short not to be living the truth fully and completely”.

My husband K. and I are trying to do everything that’s right in life, to have a calm, peaceful, healthy life together with our son, and yet external obstacles, tribulations, pressures, injustices, and general BS keep derailing our efforts.  We don’t need nor want much in terms of material possessions. We don’t want fancy cars, a fancy house, fancy furniture, nothing of the sort.  We simply need enough money to pay our bills, feed our son and keep him safe and healthy.  Unfortunately, because of the BS referred to in the previous post, we can’t even do that.  However, throughout it all, we know that we love each other completely and wholeheartedly, we are each other’s soul mate, and that absolutely nothing will ever come between us if we don’t let it.  We are extremely blessed to have each other as partners, as best friends, as spouses and to know unquestioningly that we are a team and will stand united at all times.

We both recognize how fortunate we are, especially in light of the fact that neither one of us was happy before we met. My husband, K., was particularly miserable for well over two decades in a marriage where he felt he was nothing more than the most useful tool in the drawer.  According to him, he supported his ex nearly the entire time that they were together. She almost never worked, and the few times she did, she would get fired for her misbehavior and her temper.  (As a side note, their only child was born 15 years after they met, so it’s not as though she was a full-time mother during that time frame). He worked very hard and made a pretty good salary, but she would frivolously spend all his hard earned money without his consent. She was never satisfied with anything she had, and always wanted more and bigger, better things.  Therefore he decided to go to law school without any intent to practice law, only because he felt pushed by his ex into making more money, and the only way he could do that was by acquiring his JD and continuing to build his career in academia.  That is precisely what he ended up doing, and did indeed obtain better paying positions in academia as a result. Still, she was dissatisfied. The only things she cared about were herself and money.  The entire time they were together, she treated him with disdain, disrespect, and utter disregard for his feelings, his thoughts, his manhood, and for his authenticity as a person.  She would scream at him, call him vulgar names, start screaming matches and arguments about the most insignificant things, and generally be the nasty mean individual to him that she’s always been. Often times immediately after mistreating him, she would realize she was in the wrong, and would instantly try to make up for it by buying him expensive gifts (as though his love and forgiveness were up for sale), and by being overly nice for a very short time thereafter.  Then, shortly following, she would mistreat him yet again.  She would often threaten divorce, but never follow through (all the while K. was hoping and praying that she would indeed divorce him so that he would be free from the misery).  Whenever she wanted something from him or anyone else, she was capable of acting extremely kindly, compassionately, and in a caring manner–until the moment she received exactly what she wanted. Once that happened, she would revert back to her rude, disrespectful, mean, nasty, vile self.  As a mental health professional for many years, I know that this kind of behavior is very much indicative of Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, with a touch of Dependent Personality Disorder.  She has also been majorly depressed (Major Depressive Disorder) at various times throughout her life. She has been receiving intensive mental health services for over 30 years, with no positive or effective results.  Again, as a mental health professional, I realize that some of her behavior is due to her mental illnesses.  Some, however, is due to enduring unpleasant personality characteristics.  Throughout my profession, I have worked with numerous clients with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and yet only one such client rivaled the severity of K.’s ex-wife’s behavior.  I’ve learned through my work that many people suffering from BPD tend to blame everyone else around them for anything and everything that they perceive has gone wrong in their lives. They are generally unwilling or incapable of taking responsibility for any of their actions and therefore for any consequences of their actions.  This is a maladaptive thought pattern in which they blame everyone else for their own shortcomings and their mistakes, and as a result they don’t feel the need to change. It is therefore everyone else’s responsibility to change because everyone else caused them the trouble and grief they are currently experiencing.  The ex-wife, V., fits the above-mentioned characteristics completely.  The true cause for her failed marriage and the failed mental health treatments she has been receiving for well over a quarter of a century rests squarely with her: She has refused and continues to refuse to take responsibility for any of her actions.

Thus, after well over two decades of withstanding V.’s verbal, mental, emotional, and physical abuse, K. finally summoned his entire courage and might to leave his abuser. In fact, so afraid was K. of what V. would do to him and to M. once he told her that he is divorcing her, that he chose to impart this news during an appointment with V.’s psychologist.  He was afraid that if they were in the privacy of their home, she might hit him (at her 230 lbs weight, this was conceivable), stab him or otherwise attempt to stop him, even by murdering him if necessary. He was also scared that if M. was present when this occurred, M. would attempt to step in and defend his father, and that V. would stab or otherwise harm her own child.  Indeed, these concerns K. had about imparting such news were not unfounded, but were firmly rooted in the reality of past experience with this individual (and I use this term very loosely when referring to V.).  The Christmas when M. was only five years old, V. yelled at him so much over something very minor (such as opening one present first as opposed to another, or sitting on the floor as opposed to the couch), that she caused M. to run around the house crying and continuously stating, “I don’t believe in Santa Claus, I don’t believe in Santa Claus”.  When he was only 8 years old, M. drew a nice picture in school of a male stick figure on one end, a female stick figure on the other end. The male stick figure had an arrow pointing to it and handwritten next to the arrow was “Good K.”. The female stick figure had an arrow pointing to it and handwritten next to the arrow was “Bad V.”.  Later when M. was only nine years old, he wrote a very nice note to his mother apologizing to her for being such a “f***ing a***ole” and stating he’ll never be that again.  In another instance, when the family dog somehow broke his collar and escaped to the great outdoors, V. and K. were driving around attempting to locate the dog. V. was so upset and blamed K. for the dog’s escape (even though he wasn’t there to witness it) that while he was driving, she pulled his hair right out of his skull and ended up with a big pile of his hair in her hand (probably where he currently has a bald spot). K. has had to intervene in fights between V. and M. on several occasions. V. has hit her own son numerous times. One time she slapped her son so hard in the face and mouth that she knocked his glasses off his face, causing some damage to the glasses. In another instance she threw a real glass full of water directly at her son’s head, attempting to hit him (he ducked just in time). One of these instances even caused M. to report his mother to the school social worker, who in turn reported it to Children and Youth Services. CYS did an investigation of the home (when no one was home except V.) and she successfully lied her way out of the abuse, thus prompting CYS to close the investigation.  I am writing these examples (there are many dozens more like them) so as to give you a crystal clear picture of what V. is like and the kind of abuse she has inflicted on both K. and M..  I apologize for offending anyone by quoting the foul language used (although I attempted to blot part of it out by using “*”s), but I felt in this one instance it was a necessary quote in order to illustrate the all-too-harsh reality of the situation.  Life isn’t often pretty, but it is quite real.  Only with our feet firmly planted in reality and with our eyes wide open to the truth shall we learn from the past so that we may formulate a better present and future for us and our children.

With that said, tune in later to find out how K. was able to start breaking the numerous chains that had enslaved him for nearly half his life, and how he was able to muck and claw his way out of the LaBrea tar pits which had engulfed him wholly.

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